Endgame

We aren’t going to make it

I know that now

I’ve known it all along

There were times when I didn’t care

Times when I loved you

--I still love you

Now it almost clear you never loved me

I’m not sure you ever could or can

Who would treat someone the way you treated me if they were in love?

But I know better, I’ve stayed when I should have left

It’s my fault too…..

If I wanted the pain to stop I’d stop it, wouldn’t I?

Or is it the fact that you make me just as happy as you make me sad?

Is that why I stay?

Because after years of being alone I don’t want to go without again?

There are no excuses

    no justifications

-just thoughts as to why…to make sense of nonsensical things

I wanted to scream “I love you” so many times and still do

But it wouldn’t matter? because nothing good would come of it

So, I’ll suppress the excitement

And never know your answer

Not the answer of your truest self

But the answer of your mind

of your lips

the words you know I want to hear

A month ago we were planning a holiday

All I could think was how you weren’t going to be there

how the people we were with weren’t going to be there

how I would be somewhere else

with other people

no you

you wouldn’t exist anymore

That’s cynical isn’t it?

How I’ve been thinking forward and you aren’t there…

How can I think you are there when you aren’t

When I’m not

You don’t think of me then you only think of me now

I know you care for me somewhat but you could never care more than you do now

At least I don’t think so, but then again who am I?

What would our future look like if we stayed together and you learned to love me?  To be faithful to me.

I know. Do you?

I’m a planner, a predictor, a outcome guru if you will

We would spend the next two years waiting for you to graduate, you would commision, we would move there, get married before or after we got there, I’d try and find work, and you would already have yours.  We would live happily for about a year before we got restless and want to have kids. I’d raise them in the church, we’d both plan for them, love them, give them what we could, you’re the good cop, I’m the bad cop.  I’d battle your mom to butt out of our lives, while your father loves at the right distance.  My parents love we would feel from afar because they never approved any way because you weren’t the “right kind of man” for me.  But never the less they love you because they love me unconditionally and would adore our children.  I would have to worry about your soul, because your faith isn’t that strong, and neither is mine, but I keep going because I believe and I know it’s an essential part to my being and I’d wish you felt the same way.  Who knows one day maybe I’d finally convince you.

Would we ever be able to have deep meaningful conversations?  As of now I miss those with other people.  We don’t really have those

It’s still unclear...imagine that.  

After our children grow, go through school, we admire their accomplishments, send them to college, and hope for the best.  You retire from the military eventually and I retire or keep working, because I like the work.  Would we travel? Or lay in bed and adore each other while watching a new sitcom we both enjoy….me adoring and admiring you rather, because we both know I do.  We’d celebrate our 30th, 40th, 50th anniversary….then one night after a wonderful and fulfilled life you would leave my side.  Why you first?  Because I know I can take the heartbreak and the pain.  I want to carry the burden for us, I don’t want you to know that kind of hurt.  I would live for a while admiring our children, their lives, their grandchildren, be grateful for the life, the love, friends, family, what you have given, what I’ve given, what God’s given, feel blessed and die happy and with a broken heart longing for you, for God, and for death. Because I know upon death I might get the opportunity to find what I’ve been longing for since you left my side and my whole life.

You are spontaneous, a thinker for the now, a feel good for the now, a real live 21st century man.

For you there is no far out future for us

There is a month, two months, maybe you see me three months from now?

You might see me on your graduation day?

But I don’t think you see me coming with you where you commission

Your mind ends there.

Everything is over there.

The endgame is there

I love you

Do you love me back?

The answer is clear

The rest of the answers are blurred

I know what to do

But do I do it?

Or do I hold out for the potential future?

Do I pick ours?

Do I pick yours?

Do I pick mine?

Ours ends ends when we die

Yours ends at commission

Mine ends now

Which one do I pick?

Each scenario has the same end result

We end up without each other….how mundane

    how meaningless

    

Third Time's the Charm

I thought you hung the moon

As cliche as the saying goes

I gazed upon your face with adoration

-still do

However it is with hopes of seeking that feeling of perfection again that pains me so

Will I be seduced again

Yes

No

yes

That boyish charm

That beautiful smile that made my candle burn even brighter in the summer evening

That touch that made me forget it all

The touch that made me forget all right and wrong

--all sin

--all evil

Even though through that touch sin was committed

Liar

Master manipulator

Of words

Of looks

Of promises

Of touches

Of skin

Of lips

Of kindness

Of passion

Of compassion

Of patience

It will happen again and again

Trust

Will that ever come again?

To find out the truth is to be deceptive again and again

Do I ask to look?

Do I ask to end it?

Do I ask how it was “ended”?

Do I ask to the friendships to end?

Sickening

Living through the pain

Living through suffering

When will I ever learn

When will I ever use the wisdom gained through the Creator

Fillers

It’s important to know when you’re a filler

No, not just a filler

But a “filler person”

You waltz in and out of peoples lives for a specific purpose

This purpose could be to provide a smile

Give them a headache

Make them laugh

Cry

Complain

Be that random person that lets them cry on your shoulder

Help them when they are drunk

Talk them through a rough night

A breakup

Cancer

Death

Dreams

The loss of a child when no one knew you were even pregnant

Who drove to see you at the hospital

You knew a couple of people in town but you called her to take you

To stay with you

She was your filler summer girl

A classmate

The girl at the bar

The boy at the river

The party girl

The party boy

The person everyone knows, but no one really knows

They all yell your name when you walk in the door

Happy to see you, but don’t know what to talk to you about

Because you’re the person who always pulls the conversation out of them

To fill their silence

To make them smile and feel important

A person to look up to for a short period of time

The person who lets you down for a short period of time

The girlfriend that breaks up with you because you’re not doing anything with your life

Yeah, she was that kick in the butt so you would begin your life

The boy who asks you if you are better together or as friends

You say together

He says friends

Perfect! You’re his filler non relationship girl.

The girl in high school that you saw

She was the first girl you saw intimately

She was the filler girl for one semester to get to senior year

To get to college and find the other girl

She remembers you….

The way you looked at her - “God you are so beautiful”

The tone in your voice was the sweetest music to her ears.

You meant it

-She’ll never forget the sincerity of tone

-You didn’t look at her with just lust, but with clarity of who she was at that moment

-What she meant to you at that specific second

This filler girl has carried that moment with her through her life

She thinks fondly upon that moment

Wishes it back into her world

Seeks the next moment to be gazed upon with such adoration

The guy who wanted to be with her, but she said no

You probably think you were just her overlapper, her filler to get to the next guy

You’ll never know how much she wishes you back

Summer parties

Summer friends

Another face in the crowd

The girl who comes to visit you while you’re in town so you have someone to “be with” while your other is at home

The boy who longs for togetherness, but she doesn’t want that with him but gives him half because she’s lonely

You were her filler

Now, there are more filler situations in life

and filler is such a cruel word to call it, isn’t it?

Yet it’s the truth

……….and in a way….no not just in a way

We are

We all are fillers

We are the people you woke up to once

We are the people you sat next to on the bus

We are the people you bought a shot for

We are the people you gave a complement to

We are the people you once loved

once hated

cried over

gossiped about

lied about

laughed at

fell for

Our lives are filled with fillers

That’s all it is.

We are filled

We are empty

We are lost

We are found

We are loved

We are feared

We are confident

We are children

We are hopeful

We are rich

We are devastatingly poor

We are beautiful

We are horrific

We are ill

We are healthy

We are fillers

Own it.

Be one

Use one

Help one

Just make sure you’re a good one.

We are all fillers

Fill yourself to the brim with wonderful deeds and thoughts

And maybe you will find another filler person to spend the rest of your life with.

---Then in turn are no longer a filler, but are one with your other half