Endgame

We aren’t going to make it

I know that now

I’ve known it all along

There were times when I didn’t care

Times when I loved you

--I still love you

Now it almost clear you never loved me

I’m not sure you ever could or can

Who would treat someone the way you treated me if they were in love?

But I know better, I’ve stayed when I should have left

It’s my fault too…..

If I wanted the pain to stop I’d stop it, wouldn’t I?

Or is it the fact that you make me just as happy as you make me sad?

Is that why I stay?

Because after years of being alone I don’t want to go without again?

There are no excuses

    no justifications

-just thoughts as to why…to make sense of nonsensical things

I wanted to scream “I love you” so many times and still do

But it wouldn’t matter? because nothing good would come of it

So, I’ll suppress the excitement

And never know your answer

Not the answer of your truest self

But the answer of your mind

of your lips

the words you know I want to hear

A month ago we were planning a holiday

All I could think was how you weren’t going to be there

how the people we were with weren’t going to be there

how I would be somewhere else

with other people

no you

you wouldn’t exist anymore

That’s cynical isn’t it?

How I’ve been thinking forward and you aren’t there…

How can I think you are there when you aren’t

When I’m not

You don’t think of me then you only think of me now

I know you care for me somewhat but you could never care more than you do now

At least I don’t think so, but then again who am I?

What would our future look like if we stayed together and you learned to love me?  To be faithful to me.

I know. Do you?

I’m a planner, a predictor, a outcome guru if you will

We would spend the next two years waiting for you to graduate, you would commision, we would move there, get married before or after we got there, I’d try and find work, and you would already have yours.  We would live happily for about a year before we got restless and want to have kids. I’d raise them in the church, we’d both plan for them, love them, give them what we could, you’re the good cop, I’m the bad cop.  I’d battle your mom to butt out of our lives, while your father loves at the right distance.  My parents love we would feel from afar because they never approved any way because you weren’t the “right kind of man” for me.  But never the less they love you because they love me unconditionally and would adore our children.  I would have to worry about your soul, because your faith isn’t that strong, and neither is mine, but I keep going because I believe and I know it’s an essential part to my being and I’d wish you felt the same way.  Who knows one day maybe I’d finally convince you.

Would we ever be able to have deep meaningful conversations?  As of now I miss those with other people.  We don’t really have those

It’s still unclear...imagine that.  

After our children grow, go through school, we admire their accomplishments, send them to college, and hope for the best.  You retire from the military eventually and I retire or keep working, because I like the work.  Would we travel? Or lay in bed and adore each other while watching a new sitcom we both enjoy….me adoring and admiring you rather, because we both know I do.  We’d celebrate our 30th, 40th, 50th anniversary….then one night after a wonderful and fulfilled life you would leave my side.  Why you first?  Because I know I can take the heartbreak and the pain.  I want to carry the burden for us, I don’t want you to know that kind of hurt.  I would live for a while admiring our children, their lives, their grandchildren, be grateful for the life, the love, friends, family, what you have given, what I’ve given, what God’s given, feel blessed and die happy and with a broken heart longing for you, for God, and for death. Because I know upon death I might get the opportunity to find what I’ve been longing for since you left my side and my whole life.

You are spontaneous, a thinker for the now, a feel good for the now, a real live 21st century man.

For you there is no far out future for us

There is a month, two months, maybe you see me three months from now?

You might see me on your graduation day?

But I don’t think you see me coming with you where you commission

Your mind ends there.

Everything is over there.

The endgame is there

I love you

Do you love me back?

The answer is clear

The rest of the answers are blurred

I know what to do

But do I do it?

Or do I hold out for the potential future?

Do I pick ours?

Do I pick yours?

Do I pick mine?

Ours ends ends when we die

Yours ends at commission

Mine ends now

Which one do I pick?

Each scenario has the same end result

We end up without each other….how mundane

    how meaningless