Brother

From the moment I was born he loved me

He held me and took me under his wing

My parents once told me, “He even used to say, I love you Nicole”.

I wish I remembered 

I wish I could have held onto those memories, but I was too young

My parents would say, “He loved you and then you began to crawl and mess with all of his things”.

Ha.  Yup.

Dax never wanted or wants any of his stuff tampered with

If anything is a hair out of place Dax knows

He was always a funny child

Exaggerating wild things

Taking reality and making it seem larger than life

One Friday evening he burped exceedingly loud

His story was, “It was so loud it actually shook the house!”

He was so proud and would tell everyone.

Was it true?

NO!

But he would like to think so.

When I was a little girl I knew something was up with him

Telling tall tales, only getting along with certain people, hating change

But I loved him

He was mine

My precious brother

People would make fun of him and I would stand up for him, because he was mine.

I was the only one who could be mean to him, because he was mine.

I was the only one who could watch him play video games for hours and not get tired of it, because he was mine.

When I got into middle school I still knew something was up but I ignored it

I wanted to fit in

I wanted to be normal

I went about my life oblivious

My parents didn’t really know what to do with him

 “Your brother is different”, they would say

When he refused to do something a certain way he would get yelled at

Why?  Because his typical behaviors weren’t “normal”

I remember him crying

It was so loud and so sad

His cries were like those of a child had just experienced pain for the first time

His cries were like the first time, every time

It’s not that how my parents yelled at him was wrong

And it’s not that it was right

It just was what it was and that was that

He didn’t understand

To this day, at times, he doesn’t

We’ll still talk to him about how he eats like an animal

Or tell him that the family room is a public place

“Public place” become a term used often in our house

We use it so he will understand that he has to consider others

I remember as a little girl listening to Oldies 103 radio station with him

I begged him to let me play with his Legos

If he didn’t I would annoy the crap out of him until he felt bad and let me

I loved those mornings before church and the afternoons we shared together as children

Playing

Arguing

Laughing

It was finally one day in high school I quit defending him

I quit seeing him as a normal person

I quit loving him to some extent

I would yell at him (I still do some days)

You see I was coming into my own

I wanted to fit in

I wanted people to like me

And to me, he wasn’t included in my package

So time went on and I continued to ignore him

Not be there for him

Not encourage him

I would even make fun of him along with people at times

That was the worst.

I didn’t even feel remorse

Dax had talents that I was jealous of

I still kind of am to this day

He has always been great with children

They come to him

They want to play with him and tell him things

I suppose that contributed to me wanting to be talented with them as well (wanting to be a teacher that is)

He was also athletic

He could run, play basketball, do anything he wanted to

But he couldn’t

He couldn’t play on a team

He didn’t understand how to work with others

I always was jealous because I would have loved to receive those genes from my mother and actually use them

But I didn’t.  He did

He even got a great metabolism!

So not fair

Such is life, right?

When I was going through a really rough time my senior year he had to drive me to school for some reason, I forget why now, but he was reluctant

We had to leave earlier or right at the time my parents had given him

Not a minute more or everything would be ruined

Did he have anywhere to be?

NO!

But that was Dax.

I think I was about a minute late and of course he was perturbed.

I had been giving my parents a hard time emotionally and financially that year.

Let’s face it.  I had problems

Dax didn’t necessarily know what was going on but he noticed the change in the family dynamic

He decided for the first time in a long time, ever really, to give me brotherly advice.

This is what he said:

“Nicole, if you don’t stop doing what you’re doing this is what’s going to happen”.

Then he promptly played the song “High Way to Hell” over the car stereo speakers

He probably thought he was giving me advice

I told my parents and they just laughed

Years later I can laugh about it too

He was just being himself.

He was probably proud of himself for doing what he had done too

After all this time

Going through high school and college I realized something

I started loving him again

Being patient with him

But I never said I was sorry

In some strange way I feel as though he knows and doesn’t want me to say it

But one day I hope to tell him something

I’m not quite sure what I would say

But maybe one day when I have the guts I’d say this:

I wish I were closer to you

I wish I knew you

I wish I understood you

See how you see the world

Sleep how you sleep

See your gentle heart

I love hearing your laugh

Your concept of the world is black and white

But baby boy the world is grey.  It’s so grey.

And when you cry I cry

When you cry I want to hold you

I want to hold you until all the pain in the world vanishes

Until there is no sin too shallow or too deep that can hold you down

I love you so much

And I’m sorry

I’m sorry for not being there

Ignoring you

Making fun of you

Yelling at you

You know I love you

These days he’s better

I can’t really describe it

It’s not my place to know I suppose

He’s older now

He can hold his own on something’s

He goes to work, school, and church

He likes coins, guns, CSI, and finally shows affection to someone, even if it is the dog

He still doesn’t like it when I come home sometimes because it’s different

It’s a change

He tells me things were better when you weren’t here

But I know him

He has taught me how to love all kinds

He has taught me patients

He has taught me it takes all kinds to make the world spin

Even if his burps don’t shake the house

Even if he calls pixie sticks pitsy sticks

Even if he lives at home for forever

Even if he never gives up on crime scene investigation shows

Even if he never hugs me

Even if he never tells me loves me

He is mine

He is my brother

He is my precious boy

And I love him so very very much