I Don't Vomit When I Look In the Mirror

Looking in the mirror you think

Hey I don’t vomit when I’m looking at myself

But I could stand to lose a bit of weight

So what do you do?

Naturally you go to your local whole foods and buy the most expensive and blandest food in the world because you don’t know how to cook this crap

Yeah, you know I’m right

You spend one week trying to shove this food down your throat

Going to the gym

Looking at all the beautiful people

And even that occasional guy that looks like a turtle

Yeah you’ve seen him

The one with muscles so huge around his neck it looks as though he could quite possibly pop his neck out a little bit more

Oh and that girl who is wearing the Uggs boots

They only wear them during the healthy life drudge during Christmas break

Why? Why oh why yare you wearing Uggs to work out in you idiot

I have my fat ass over here in Nikes

Get on my level

I’m waiting for you to fall on your butt and then turtle man will help you up

Nah nah he will sweep you up because he has too many muscles and doesn’t know how to control them all

Then you will go on to have turtle Ugg boot babies

Any how, you’re getting through this workout and you’re all “I know I have jogged a mile by now!”

NOPE!  Fool you’ve only gone ½ a mile

Why do I feel like death?!

I used to be thin and a workout-aholic

Yeah it’s hard to believe that this big booty used to jog and lift weights

Man I looked good

Ooooo yes

And latter on in that one week of humiliation you either quit or workout outside in your neighborhood

Don’t have a nice neighborhood?

Get shot v. get thin

Yeah I’ll settle for a Twinkie

Hold up….does Hostess make those any more?

Yes, yes they do!

They were all “JK we coming back from bankruptcy because big brother’s got our back”

And while we are on the subject of bankruptcy

Dear American Government

Stop

Can you just stop and take care of us for a hot second?

Think about the budget

Use your brain!

Get us out of debt

Will it take years?

You bet your sweet ass but let’s get started

Set a better example for your citizens

Why do you think there are so many poor American?

Because their parents didn’t teach them the skills necessary to keep their money and their parents didn’t teach them and so on

And it all boils down to….

Makes you think, huh?

So now I’m looking in the mirror thinking, “I’m kinda fat and I’m poor”

Great

I want to go to a gym but that’s where the beautiful people go and I’m too poor to join one because I’m too lazy to get a job because no one has ever taught me how

Ah laziness

Laziness is sippin’ ice tea on my front porch with a fly swatter in my hand

*slaps thigh* I got that one

Laziness is playing Xbox, PS3, and GameCube for hours

Laziness is watching someone play Xbox, PS3, and GameCube for hours

Laziness is binge watching a season of Gossip Girl on Netflix

It only took you two days to get through a whole season?

Maybe you should get a life

I’m guilty

Laziness is sitting in a lobby staring at people when you have so many other things to do

Laziness is not wanting to get out of that booth at your local Chili’s because you ate one too many southwestern egg rolls

And man is that creamy avocado sauce good. YES.

At least I don’t vomit when I look in the mirror

Ok I do a little bit

Ha.