From
the moment I was born he loved me
He
held me and took me under his wing
My
parents once told me, “He even used to say, I love you Nicole”.
I
wish I remembered
I
wish I could have held onto those memories, but I was too young
My
parents would say, “He loved you and then you began to crawl and mess with all
of his things”.
Ha. Yup.
Dax
never wanted or wants any of his stuff tampered with
If
anything is a hair out of place Dax knows
He
was always a funny child
Exaggerating
wild things
Taking
reality and making it seem larger than life
One
Friday evening he burped exceedingly loud
His
story was, “It was so loud it actually shook the house!”
He
was so proud and would tell everyone.
Was
it true?
NO!
But
he would like to think so.
When
I was a little girl I knew something was up with him
Telling
tall tales, only getting along with certain people, hating change
But
I loved him
He
was mine
My
precious brother
People
would make fun of him and I would stand up for him, because he was mine.
I
was the only one who could be mean to him, because he was mine.
I
was the only one who could watch him play video games for hours and not get
tired of it, because he was mine.
When
I got into middle school I still knew something was up but I ignored it
I
wanted to fit in
I
wanted to be normal
I
went about my life oblivious
My
parents didn’t really know what to do with him
“Your brother is different”, they would say
When
he refused to do something a certain way he would get yelled at
Why? Because his typical behaviors weren’t “normal”
I
remember him crying
It
was so loud and so sad
His
cries were like those of a child had just experienced pain for the first time
His
cries were like the first time, every time
It’s
not that how my parents yelled at him was wrong
And
it’s not that it was right
It
just was what it was and that was that
He
didn’t understand
To
this day, at times, he doesn’t
We’ll
still talk to him about how he eats like an animal
Or
tell him that the family room is a public place
“Public
place” become a term used often in our house
We
use it so he will understand that he has to consider others
I
remember as a little girl listening to Oldies 103 radio station with him
I
begged him to let me play with his Legos
If
he didn’t I would annoy the crap out of him until he felt bad and let me
I
loved those mornings before church and the afternoons we shared together as
children
Playing
Arguing
Laughing
It
was finally one day in high school I quit defending him
I
quit seeing him as a normal person
I
quit loving him to some extent
I
would yell at him (I still do some days)
You
see I was coming into my own
I
wanted to fit in
I
wanted people to like me
And
to me, he wasn’t included in my package
So
time went on and I continued to ignore him
Not
be there for him
Not
encourage him
I
would even make fun of him along with people at times
That
was the worst.
I
didn’t even feel remorse
Dax
had talents that I was jealous of
I
still kind of am to this day
He
has always been great with children
They
come to him
They
want to play with him and tell him things
I
suppose that contributed to me wanting to be talented with them as well
(wanting to be a teacher that is)
He
was also athletic
He
could run, play basketball, do anything he wanted to
But
he couldn’t
He
couldn’t play on a team
He
didn’t understand how to work with others
I
always was jealous because I would have loved to receive those genes from my
mother and actually use them
But
I didn’t. He did
He
even got a great metabolism!
So
not fair
Such
is life, right?
When
I was going through a really rough time my senior year he had to drive me to
school for some reason, I forget why now, but he was reluctant
We
had to leave earlier or right at the time my parents had given him
Not
a minute more or everything would be ruined
Did
he have anywhere to be?
NO!
But
that was Dax.
I
think I was about a minute late and of course he was perturbed.
I
had been giving my parents a hard time emotionally and financially that year.
Let’s
face it. I had problems
Dax
didn’t necessarily know what was going on but he noticed the change in the
family dynamic
He
decided for the first time in a long time, ever really, to give me brotherly
advice.
This
is what he said:
“Nicole,
if you don’t stop doing what you’re doing this is what’s going to happen”.
Then
he promptly played the song “High Way to Hell” over the car stereo speakers
He
probably thought he was giving me advice
I
told my parents and they just laughed
Years
later I can laugh about it too
He
was just being himself.
He
was probably proud of himself for doing what he had done too
After
all this time
Going
through high school and college I realized something
I
started loving him again
Being
patient with him
But
I never said I was sorry
In
some strange way I feel as though he knows and doesn’t want me to say it
But
one day I hope to tell him something
I’m
not quite sure what I would say
But
maybe one day when I have the guts I’d say this:
I
wish I were closer to you
I
wish I knew you
I
wish I understood you
See
how you see the world
Sleep
how you sleep
See
your gentle heart
I
love hearing your laugh
Your
concept of the world is black and white
But
baby boy the world is grey. It’s so
grey.
And
when you cry I cry
When
you cry I want to hold you
I
want to hold you until all the pain in the world vanishes
Until
there is no sin too shallow or too deep that can hold you down
I
love you so much
And
I’m sorry
I’m
sorry for not being there
Ignoring
you
Making
fun of you
Yelling
at you
You
know I love you
These
days he’s better
I
can’t really describe it
It’s
not my place to know I suppose
He’s
older now
He
can hold his own on something’s
He
goes to work, school, and church
He
likes coins, guns, CSI, and finally shows affection to someone, even if it is
the dog
He
still doesn’t like it when I come home sometimes because it’s different
It’s
a change
He
tells me things were better when you weren’t here
But
I know him
He
has taught me how to love all kinds
He
has taught me patients
He
has taught me it takes all kinds to make the world spin
Even
if his burps don’t shake the house
Even
if he calls pixie sticks pitsy sticks
Even
if he lives at home for forever
Even
if he never gives up on crime scene investigation shows
Even
if he never hugs me
Even
if he never tells me loves me
He
is mine
He
is my brother
He
is my precious boy
And
I love him so very very much
